Finding “INNER KNOWING” after relational trauma

A common theme in therapy when working with individuals that have experienced relational trauma is a disconnection with self. This disconnection with self leads to an inability to identify needs, values and a sense of belonging. The inability to identify needs and vocalize boundaries can lead to a constant state of anxiety, depression and over-all “unsettledness”, for lack of a better term.

You might think, “Well, maybe it’s not relational trauma, maybe it’s my fault that I struggle to connect with others and know who I am. I just need to work harder”, in response to the statement above.

This is a common roadblock that we experience in therapy, the inner voice that takes on blame to accommodate for the surrounding environment or individuals in our lives that have caused us pain. When the reactions of those around us are scary, big or demeaning, it is sometimes safer to blame ourselves. This inner voice is a protective mechanism, and over time, it can cause more harm than good.

Relational trauma is the ongoing abuse, neglect or enmeshment that can occur within any type of relationship. It is not a one time event in a relationship but an ongoing dynamic and behavior that impacts our abilities to show up authentically within a relationship. We oftentimes have to mold and shape ourselves to meet the other person’s needs in order to protect our inner self.

Relational trauma impacts our psyche/soul. I like to relate the impact to a silicon bowl that has been microwaved one too many times and has lost it’s shape, stability and strength. We know that it is a bowl, but it has lost it’s true original purpose and has been worn down.

So how do we reconnect with our “inner knowing”? How do we relate back to our pysche/soul/being? Here is a place to start:

1. We slow down.

2. We learn to say, “no”. We practice boundaries.

3. We surround ourselves with people who honor who we are and celebrate what we can bring to the table.

4. We ask for help from trusted people.

Hope is never lost. No matter how far down the road you are in the opposite direction from who you truly are, you can always turn back. You can always reconnect with yourself. It is never too late.

Surviving the holidays

The holidays are here once again. The challenges with family dynamics that you have put on hold are back and you are faced with decisions regarding how you want to show up in your family. Do you go to your in-laws or your parents for the holidays? Do you want to spend time around your creepy uncle? How do you set boundaries with your grandmother asking you when the kids will be here again when you’ve chosen to be child-free? All of these dynamics and opportunities for boundary setting can cause one thing…stress.

As we enter into November and December in the American culture we are bombarded with marketing, expectations and traditions surrounding family. We are reminded of the role that we play and the pressures we experience to fill that role within our families. Often times, the role that is set for us is not the one we desire to fill or aim to be. Yet, as the holidays come back around we find ourselves falling back into that same pattern….make the turkey, create the greeting cards, buy the presents, don’t forget about insert name here’s birthday, don’t look too happy, make sure you smile in the family picture, and DO NOT forget the reason for the season. Are you overwhelmed yet?

There is an invitation to offer if you desire to accept. Well, there are two invitations. The first, that you can say no, and you can set boundaries in order to live a life in the holiday season that does fit who you are and who you desire to become. The second, it’s okay to take time to slow down and breathe. It’s okay to not do everything this holiday season and it’s okay to miss out on one thing if you need to take care of one of your most important relationships - your relationship to yourself.

Maybe you have fears of what could happen within your dynamics and your family relationships if you set these boundaries. That is a normal reaction and valid. To counter this, what if you lived your whole life worried about other’s reactions? Would you ever get to live your truly human experience? Would you look back at yourself 10 years from now and be proud of who you are?

Here is the invitation; you can choose to thrive instead of survive this holiday season.

Mother wounding

What is mother wounding? It is a wound that occurs to a child who becomes an adult. The wound is caused by mom not meeting your physical, emotional or relational needs. This experience causes the adult daughter to struggle to identify her own needs which causes dysfunction in relationships, low self-esteem and challenges in self worth.

Maybe you grew up believing you were the problem and mom was perfect. Maybe you grew up believing that you needed to do anything possible to keep mom happy. Maybe you had no relationship with your mom, but you knew her in the context of the boyfriends she had. Maybe you remember trying to avoid mom because if you interacted with her you knew that you would feel worse - because she was volatile.

All of these examples are incidents of mother wounding. Some are obvious, some are not so obvious. Regardless, the impact is lasting on the child that grows into the adult daughter.

Mom didn’t start out this way though, maybe mom had trauma that happened to her, or she is the victim of an addiction that has changed who she is, or she has un undiagnosed mental health condition. Regardless of the reason for mom’s behaviors it’s important to remember that the impact is still there. Even though the wound is not visible, it is still present - and it is on the heart.

You might feel like the circumstances of your relationship with mom is helpless, that you can’t change the relationship and she will always have a hold on you, but that is the conditioning of the mother wound. You do have choice, you can set boundaries and you are worthy of being loved. You are enough.

If you would like to explore this mother wounding topic further please reach out to a mental healthcare professional you trust or even myself through the contact page. I would be honored to walk alongside you in identifying your needs in your relationship with your mother and what boundaries are necessary to feel safe.

What anger communicates

Our anger is one of the strongest and loudest communication signals we have in our bodies. It signals to us that something is wrong, that perhaps our agency has been violated. When we have anger we can quickly feel shame and regret. Either from the actions that came from the anger or the feeling of anger alone. 

If you grew up believing anger to be a bad thing, hear this: Anger is not a bad thing. It is normal and it is a part of the human experience. 

Remember though, what we do with that anger can make a difference within relationships with others and even ourselves. 

Anger is a secondary emotion. This means that anger is typically triggered by an emotion beforehand such as sadness, fear, or anxiety. When these emotions feel too vulnerable, anger is quickly there to save the day and help us avoid feeling REALLY uncomfortable feelings. This can work for some time, but eventually as we progress in life and want true, real relationships our anger can get in the way of productive communication and can even push others away. So what do we do with anger? 

First, we acknowledge that we are feeling angry.

Second, we try to self-regulate by taking a walk (or run!) or practicing a ground exercise. 

Third, we identify what triggered the anger. 

Lastly, we explore the emotion that triggered the anger and we honor it. If exploring this on your own feels too scary to start, try reaching out to a safe friend in your life, counselor, or trusted mentor.

TLDR; Honor the anger, regulate the anger, and validate the emotion underneath the anger.

What is trauma?

Trauma changes the way that you see the world. What once was safe, now has the potential for danger. Whether this be in relationships, walking around outside, driving or even in your home, you never feel completely safe.

The trauma response is a way that we protect ourselves from danger. This can look like a racing heartbeat, shakiness, hypervigilance, ease of being startled, memories that come back without trying to recall them, and trouble breathing (just to name a few). Our bodies utilize these responses in order to avoid potential threats. For example, if growing up you were harmed by a relative, you may find it hard to have physical connection with other people without a trauma response occurring. In some ways our body is doing us a HUGE favor and in some ways it is recreating the trauma on accident.

There is hope. These responses do not have to last forever. With therapy, support and safe community these trauma responses can decrease over time. The body over time can begin to differentiate what safety is and is not. Utilizing therapy that is trauma focused, utilizes Polyvagal theory and parts work can be a gift given to the body.