What anger communicates

Our anger is one of the strongest and loudest communication signals we have in our bodies. It signals to us that something is wrong, that perhaps our agency has been violated. When we have anger we can quickly feel shame and regret. Either from the actions that came from the anger or the feeling of anger alone. 

If you grew up believing anger to be a bad thing, hear this: Anger is not a bad thing. It is normal and it is a part of the human experience. 

Remember though, what we do with that anger can make a difference within relationships with others and even ourselves. 

Anger is a secondary emotion. This means that anger is typically triggered by an emotion beforehand such as sadness, fear, or anxiety. When these emotions feel too vulnerable, anger is quickly there to save the day and help us avoid feeling REALLY uncomfortable feelings. This can work for some time, but eventually as we progress in life and want true, real relationships our anger can get in the way of productive communication and can even push others away. So what do we do with anger? 

First, we acknowledge that we are feeling angry.

Second, we try to self-regulate by taking a walk (or run!) or practicing a ground exercise. 

Third, we identify what triggered the anger. 

Lastly, we explore the emotion that triggered the anger and we honor it. If exploring this on your own feels too scary to start, try reaching out to a safe friend in your life, counselor, or trusted mentor.

TLDR; Honor the anger, regulate the anger, and validate the emotion underneath the anger.